Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. My father started dating a woman this summer. I supported him finding companionship. He and Mom were together for 35 years, so it had been a long time since he was alone. Unfortunately, I have not dealt well with the reality of his girlfriend. He wants to include her in all of our family gatherings and has told me that he expects me to become friends with her. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways.
I have gone through the grief process from both sides. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be.
I will love him forever and no one will take his place. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. That is why I am able to see what my father meant by I can be dating someone and still love your mom and miss her.
Because I find myself in the same situation.
Pity, that mom dating after dads death opinion you
I am now dating a wonderful man and find myself missing my husband. I can love my life I had and respect that I need companionship and passion in my new life. I miss my husband everyday and would love for my son to be able to grow up with his father, but I know my husband would want for my son to grow up with a happy mother.
So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Wow Andrea. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! It was really rough, my mother actually talked to me about it days before her death-telling me to not be angry because dad was involved with this woman, that he would need someone when she was gone and that it was okay.
In my case it turned out not so okay. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life. Thank you. Death is a hard and complicated thing. I feel that I am always comparing the difference in my grieving from these two very significant loses in my life. From this I feel like I have been able to step back and gain some insight, and this insight has brought me some healing and clarity.
I am so sorry for your losses and the situation you have came upon. I wish you the best. It is almost like two deaths in one. My mom died in Decemberalmost a year ago. My dad began dating a woman about 5 or 6 months later. I was appalled and shocked when he told me. He cried and acted all upset when he told me, asking for my understanding.
I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. He is with the woman constantly. He leaves work and goes straight to her house and is there until bedtime. I can never reach him on the phone in the evenings we live in two different towns. Anyway, I tried really hard, invited him, of course. He left immediately after we ate. It was like he was here to fulfill some sort of obligation or something. Then he started calling her on the cellphone.
He left immediatly after we ate. I agreed to meet this woman one time just for him.
Besides, honestly, I wanted to see what she looked like. Shallow of me I know. She was so quiet and boring, nothing like my mom at all.
Opinion mom dating after dads death was
My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. I am sure this woman was nervous, and really, she was nice enough. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. I really have no bad feelings for her, I am just hurt and mad at my dad for putting my family and me through this. My daughter is a teenager, just learning about boys and relationships and THIS is the example she gets?
Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. I am sick to death of reading on all these grief websites that life goes on, no one is expected to spend their life alone, blah, blah, blah. I mean really? Read a book, watch a movie, a ballgame, get online, visit a friend or family member. It is more about the widower than it is about whatever woman they happen to be dating. So that is the short version of my story. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me? So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother.
There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness I feel deep in the very pit of my being. How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? I am sickened. Even if he broke up with this poor lady today, it will never take away the harm that it has already caused.
So I guess that is the short version of my story. There is so much more, but no need to bore anyone with the details. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. The ironic thing about this is, if heaven forbid, the lady he is dating now were to pass away, how long does SHE think it would be before he were dating a new one? It really does feel like you lose your father once he starts dating again.
I was angry for a long time and this strained my relationship with my dad. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family.
But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying.
Jan 03, I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my mother dating after my father's death, and how it has changed her. I am 34, her oldest of 5 kids, with 3 boys of my own, and after some recent events, I am truly worried about the future of this family and am at a . Oct 08, My mom started dating again less than 4 months after my dad died. She was honest with me about everything and from a logical standpoint, I understand but emotionally, I just wish I didnt know about it. She was my dads caregiver for the last 3 years of his life and especially the last 4 months. He. Oct 07, Anyhow, my 73 year-old dad seemed to "move on" rather quickly after my mom's death. I suspect he was dating again within a year after my mom died. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town.
I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. It took a long time for me to be able to do this, and I am not perfect at this. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. Not giving him a chance. I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr. I want to offer some perspective based on my experiences. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness.
Colon cancer is a terriblw way to die and I was with her every step of the way right up to the last moment of life. The way they gravitate towards any woman friend or family memeber is deeply sad. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. I expect that whether or not my daughter is 8 or 10 or 15 or even 25, she would never be supportive of me dating, let alone falling in love and she clearly is not happy and has begu acting out a bit.
I was a faithful husband and am a responsible, loving father, but I after burying a brother and a wife, I know that life is too precious to waste. I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure they absolutely love her by the wayand how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman.
Who is a wonderful and caring person. Hope is a powerful thing and joy in the aftermath of pain can bring you back from the very depths of despair. I will continue to search for answers and hope that I find a way to help my family heal from this tragedy.
Best of luck. Hi Meg, I am in the same situation. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I can see why I never ran into this 1st cousin. It made me sick. She would show him her new necklace or have him smell his perfume not on her wrist right in front of me.
I wish I knew how to get passed this. It eats away at me every single day. I hate the fact that someone like her came into our lives only to get what she was after for many years. I even find myself wishing bad things happen to her. Has anyone been able to move on from the pain of their parents getting involved with someone else so soon? Meg, I know how you feel.
Dad's the Hero, Mom's the Babe - Steve Trevino - 'Til Death
My father started seeing another woman about 5 or 6 months after my mother passed away and the sad part is the lady has known my family for years and has been our church member for years. My dad feels that since he lost his wife, it is all about his loss; he does not realize this his kids are hurting and while I know he is lonely, his behavior is unacceptable. He ignores his kids and grandkids for the most part and seems so involved in himself to take out true, quality time for us.
I know it is and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. It hit the mark with me. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at.
I feel my father has betrayed me, failed to live by the promise he made mom to be there for his two girls, and his words that he would never get another woman when mom died. I feel the woman lacks the very character by doing what she had done, even though dad and my sister feel she helps him, she makes him happy. Our own happiness comes with a price and if that price is our own kids, there is nothing worth losing them. They were the priority, my need to be with a man or re-marry, was not the priority.
My kids were. I am 56 and still feel the same way. I lost my mother and need my father. He checked out. He is 20 again and mom has been gone for 5 months. Weakness is not an excuse and happiness is not always about ones self. Thank you for being so honest in your comments. She had dates lined up and then after the second, started regularly dating. After 3 weeks went away to his winter home for a long weekend.
Only told 1 sibling. I found out by mistake - totally devastated. So sada horrible lesson of how not to act. So many of you have stories that resound with what is going on in my life right now. Her death came as a major shock to us. She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. She and my dad were married for over 54 years and had the picture of a beautiful, loving marriage, one that any couple would aspire to have.
When my mom died, my biggest sadness was not for myself, but for my dad. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. They were true soulmates. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. She always fixed his plate. They served each other in love. I was out of town on business. I called my dad to check up on him. He told me he was upset because my younger sister had hung up on him.
He made it clear that he had already made a commitment and promise to marry this woman somewhere down the road. We have been trying to talk to him. He said this woman is the only light at the end of a dark tunnel. I am just mad at him, I guess. The person who talked about teenage behavior is right.
He has been seeing this woman. This woman is playing him, I feel sure.
Apr 26, Need Advice: Mom dating after dad's death. By stmmm11, March 27, in Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father) dating; advice; cancer; parent; Reply to this topic; Start new topic; Recommended Posts. stmmm11 0 stmmm11 0 Newbie; Members; 0 1 post; Loss Type: Father, pancreatic cancer; Angel Date. Oct 27, Given that males like your dad are relatively rare (women usually outlive men), after your mother's death, he has clearly enjoyed a large and friendly available female dating pool. People handle. Sep 19, Dear Auntie, A few years ago, my mom died. It was a really awful, difficult time for my entire family, but enough time has passed that I'm relatively okay now. However, that entire first year was really hard to get through, and something that added to the hurt was that my dad started dating again only ten months after my mom died. My younger sister and I were really .
She is playing games, encouraging him and then telling him not to call her any more. Then she calls him back saying she just needs to hear his voice. He says that she is acting this way because she has been hurt by other men. My sisters and I say that she is acting this way because she is manipulative and plotting.
I have told him how I feel, and that is all I can do. My dad broke up with this woman. Thank God he finally saw through her manipulation before it was too late. My advice to anyone going through something like this is to not alienate yourself from your parent by shaming them or speaking ill of the person they are seeing. It will do no good. Listen to them, support them, be there for them as much as they will let you, and pray, pray, pray.
He will now have to go through it. My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. And perhaps, someday, he will meet a woman who shares his values and can make a life with him. I opened my huge mouth too quickly. I should have known. It is all I can do to keep from having a blow-up with this woman. I have never spoken to her or met her. Well, that is not exactly true.
The nerve!!! She has told him he has a dirty mind. She gets mad at him on every account. She says he is trying to turn her into my mom. So he breaks up with her. ate: My dad officially proposed and she accepted. They will be getting married September My mother passed away from cancer in It was completely understandable. He claims he wants to do what he wants before he dies. I lost my husband last year. I was married for 24 years, had a familly and it began to grow. And you children may not understand what we go thru.
All I can say is that there are many reasons why we want to date and go on with our life.
My children were not happy that I told them I was dating, they were hurt and angry. Yes it is about my happiness but my family does come first. I was not looking for this it just happened. He is someone from my past and I enjoy his company very much and I love spending time with him. He is not here to replace their father nor is he to replace him as my husband.
He is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone to hang out with. He makes me smile again! It felt so good to get on this website and read that so many other people are experience the same things that I am.
I lost my mom on March 24, after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer. My mom and dad were married for 30 years.
He was her caretaker and he held her hand to the very end. All I have known for 26 years of my life is the love between my mother and my father. After her death my husband and I continued to live with my dad to keep him company and ease the loneliness. We became extremely close with my father and spent countless nights in the living room together playing games. Now, almost 2 years later he has begun dating a woman fairly seriously. So living here with him has made it very hard on me. Regardless of all my feelings though, a daughter cannot fill all the emptiness that is felt.
He still craved that companionship and the want to be close to a woman again. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating.
And the awkwardness of discussing my mom in front of her is almost unbearable but it is inevitable that my mom is going to come up because my daughter WILL know who her grandmother was.
Mom dating after dads death
But he has for the most part been very respectful for my feelings so I have returned the favor. I just pray so much that the lady he is dating is the woman she says she is and that she and I can find a way to bond over common interests. I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site.
God bless you all. I know! My dad has said things about his sex life to me as well. Totally inappropriate! My mom passed away at age 53 from colon cancer. Second verse, same as the first. He marries another old family friend. They were married 6 years when Dad died. He had changed his will so Stepmother 2 can live in his house as long as she chooses to do so.
Who do they call when something tears up? Alas, my father is haunting me from his grave. So cheer up girls - you could be dealing with multiple step families. It definitly could be worse. You need to get a grip on your own life and let your parents be human beings. Does your parent tell you who you should and should not date, live with or be married to?
What makes you all think you have the right to tell your parent what they can and cannot do in their own home and how they should live the rest of their life? Would it make these adult children happier if their remaining parent curl up in a ball in the corner, wear black everyday and sit in the house the rest of their life?
So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. What is wrong with that? BUT she feels entitled to the rest of him and what he does and who he dates. Her dad I have know from teen years-we were an item, and still have the same attraction we did then. This daughter has put so much stress on her dad-disapproving of our relationship-its sick! All should be over by then-leave him alone or he will get sick-KIDS!
Joanne- I think that was uncalled for- especially when everyones situation is different. People are here looking for comfort, and you bash them. What is wrong with you. And on top of this, if you actually read everyones comments, most of these people want the parent to be happy, but they are just not ready to meet their parents new friend.
They are not asking their parent to not see this person, they are just wanting their parent to understand that they are not ready to accept them into their lives- just yet.
My mother in law passed away 5 months ago. As it has only been 5 months since they lost their mother, their father has starting seeing another woman.
Apologise, but, mom dating after dads death apologise, but, opinion
A woman who he has known from a long time ago. My husband understands that his father needs this companionship and is not angry with him for wanting to be with this woman. What is hard for him is that his father wants him to accept this so soon- wants to bring her over to watch our kids and have dinner together. She lives in Florida so he traveled there a couple times to visit her- and he talks about her and her family and is very happy- which is great- but has done stuff with her family and grandkids, that he would never do back home with us.
My point is- as we are accepting his new friend- we are not ready to meet her, or allow her to be a part of our family. We are fine with him being with her, but cant handle her visiting in my mother-in-laws home sitting in her chair. Although he is ready.
We can accept that he wants this new relationship, we just wish he would accept that we are just not ready to be a part of it. Amen, Jodi! You spoke my thoughts exactly! I basically have had to wash my hands of the situation. I love my dad but it hurts too much to hear him exclaim his great love for this woman at this point. Her shoes still sit in the entry way of the house and her glasses, hand lotion and chapstick are still are her nightstand.
And just like your FIL, my dad goes and spends incredible amounts of time with this woman, and my mom had to beg for any time she got from my dad. He always had too much work to do when she wanted to go somewhere-to see her grandkids and children. I am still having a hard time coping with her death. We were very close; she was my best friend. My father and I have had a much more tumultuous relationship. We talk, but are not close. I suspect he was dating again within a year after my mom died.
About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town.
I was quite angry when I heard about this and we never again spoke of it. I have no idea who this woman is nor do I want to know. Furthermore, if it had been the other way around i. I think part of it, for me, is that I feel like if I accept my dad having a new woman in his life, I am being disloyal to my mom. I, too, was very close to my mom. As a woman and a wife and mom myself, I feel very sad when I think how quickly my dad replaced my mom and professed his undying love for this new woman so quickly.
If my husband were to do the same, the thought of it makes me very sad. I feel like you. My dad does things with his new woman that he never would take the time to do with my mom.
She would have loved the attention he is giving to his girlfriend. Perhaps our dads feel guilty somewhat for things that were left undone with their deceased wives and this is their second chance to do it right. Thank you Julie for your post.
This is exactly how I am feeling right now. My mom passes away last July. They were both diagnosed with Cancer within a day of each otherDad Colon, Mom Lung and then we found out Mom also had an aortic aneuyism that could burst anytime. No good way to treat it. Within 4 months of her diagnosis, she was gone!
Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. We, siblings were there daily for them as they went through this and Dad was very needy, calling me 3 to 4 times a day, wanting me to come over and sit with him. I did because I loved him and felt so very sad for him losing mom and dealing with his own cancer.
Now he has found a lady friend, a very nice woman his age and of the catholic faith like him. Their faith is very important to both of them. So why am I finding it so difficult?
Thanks again for sharing. My mother-in-law passed away May His parents mom and stepdad were married for 25 years. My husband and I were so shocked that we got sick. My husband and father-in-law were working together in a family print shop and had been for seven years.
That same day, one of the part time workers called while we were there at his house Irene and showed up 30 minutes later. The first thought in our minds was that they were seeing each other.
We left heartbroken and grief-stricken. He claimed that their marriage had been difficult for about 5 years and that my mother-in-law would treat him very badly when they were home alone.
According to him, he had already grieved over her and had moved on. My father-in-law bragged one week later that he slept with three different women. We took it very hard, to say the least. In Julymy father-in-law began dating Irene and one month later, we found out that they were opening up another shop between the two of the them and were opening it the next day. I was so angry I blew up. Which was the first time I had done so in front of my in-law s.
I never thought I would ever say this in my lifetime, but my mom has a new boyfriend. Sure, for now, she refers to him as her "friend," but I know a date when I see one. My mom has a boyfriend. It's new territory for me, and frankly, it's terrifying. But it's going to be okay.
My husband also feared that now that his mother was gone, his stepdad would cast him aside. I asked my father-in-law about this and he said he never would do such a thing. I guess I just have a hard time understanding him. He focuses his energy on what is right in front of him and never really considers how he is affecting anyone else.
Communicating with him is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. We do all the footwork when it comes to trying to maintain a relationship. I call him and try to keep in touch and he gives only one word answers to my attempts at conversation. My husband is an only child and we have no children ourselves. Maybe I am looking too much into this.
My father-in-law never put in the kind of enthusiasm and energy into the original shop that he has with the second one. Too much change and no way to navigate through it or interpret it. My wife of 14 years committed suicide just over a year ago, leaving me with 4 children ages 12 and under.
Does that sound like someone else making a choice over which I had no control? You bet. Did it make me angry at her? You better believe it did.
Does it still affect my life? It will every day until I die. And without a doubt, it will affect the lives of our children even more profoundly. My responsibility now, and mine alone, mostly, is to see that my children have the best chance of success in life. One thing I have learned, and that many of the above commenters have not yet accepted, is that I cannot predict how I will feel in the future.
How short-sighted and petty is that? Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? Were you able to predict how this would feel? Of course not. So how, after your few months of experience, do you think yourself qualified to predict your feelings years into the future? Give me a break. When my wife shot herself, I felt abandoned; I thought I would never be able to trust anyone again, especially a woman.
But guess what? I was totally wrong-that was temporary. I could overcome that. It just takes work; maybe lots of work, but you can do it! There is no objective timeline that you can use to say it has been long enough, not long enough, etc. It will be different for everyone. However, I do not have to be as sensitive to my in-laws, because they are adults, and I am not responsible to them.
Do you get what I am trying to say? Yes, it is right to be sensitive. Yes, if your parent is making irrational decisions out of grief, senility, age, etc. Otherwise, you need to step back. Take care of yourself first. The problem is most likely with yourself-it almost always is, you know. My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. Dad was burned badly on the face and arms, but survived.
Not tell mom dating after dads death does
My parents were married for 39 years so I only knew them together. She seemed nice enough. She was my age and plastic-surgeried from head to toe. She would repeat herself, tell weird stories, slur her speach. We both knew it was her fault-she was just so stoned when we met her. That night she came to our house from the accident scene and never left.
That was almost 3 years ago. Add to that all kinds of weird girlfriend moments-her wearing my clothes without asking, going through my personal things, falling asleep standing up, falling asleep at the dinner table, falling asleep at other peoples houses at parties, etc.
Mumbling, repeating herself, not eating but complaining about her weight to everyone including fat people 95 pounds!!! Can you talk to a counselor at school? It would be really great if you can. It might help you figure out how and what to say. Best of luck. You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Paste as plain text instead. Only 75 emoji are allowed. Display as a link instead.
Buy on Apple and Google Play. All Activity Home Loss of Need Advice: Mom dating after dad's death dating advice cancer parent. People handle grief differently. I think you are correct to be concerned about your father's decision-making at this time.
Most daughters will experience the same feeling of diminishment; that is, his quick dating somehow diminishes the loss of your mother. But his interest in dating now that he is widowed does not mean he loved your mother less, or is dishonoring her memory.
In many ways, it means the opposite. It often means that the marriage was good and he misses having a wife to be a part of his life. In spite of that, generally speaking, this is not a good time to start another relationship. While people do handle loss differently, once again, in general one would prefer to let the widowed experience the anniversary of the death, major holidays, birthdays and anniversaries by himself.
While this may sound odd, as psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz notes, if the widower does leap "too quickly" into the dating fray, he is more likely "trying to squelch his feelings of loneliness and depression.
The danger here, if he hasn't processed his loss, is that depression might crop up later. Or, in his rush to find companionship, he might use less-than-stellar judgment about whom to pair up with. He may simply want a romantic person in his life and as such, you may want to listen to your husband and brother. Statistically, many studies have found that married males do live longer than their unmarried cohorts.
It does seem reasonable to ask your father to not include the girlfriend for this year's special holidays and anniversaries but that you will be more ready next year.